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It usually goes something like this:
Tim, I really want to get in shape but I always end up eating and drinking too much. What can I do to stop this self-sabotage?
My response is always the same, "How do you know it's self-sabotage?"
Look, I'm not denying that self-sabotage exists - it does - but it's starting to become something of a socially-acceptable, go-to excuse.
Dad A: "Man, I can't believe you've done that AGAIN..."
Dad B: "Dude, it wasn't my fault - I was self-sabotaging"
Now, self-sabotage sounds pretty scary, almost like there's some twisted Dr Evil character inside us operating the controls and laughing maniacally when we mess up.
But it really doesn't happen that way because self-sabotage actually works in our favor.
Sounds crazy, right?
But here's the deal.
The Truth About Self-Sabotage
According to Tony Robbins, self-sabotage ultimately comes down to your brain trying to give you what you really want, even if you're not consciously aware of what that is.
OK, that sounds a bit abstract, so let's say someone is really accident prone - they keep falling off stuff, getting injured and going from one drama to the next.
A classic case of self-sabotage, right?
But the reality is that person ends up getting a ton of attention from family and friends (emails, phone calls) and that makes them feel really significant and appreciated.
Ultimately, that was the pleasurable outcome they were after.
All those accidents were just a way to achieve that pleasurable outcome, and the short-term pain was a price they were happy to pay.
So what looks like self-sabotage was really just a vehicle to get what they really wanted - attention.
And the kicker? They may not even be consciously aware that their brain has made that association.
Obviously, that doesn't mean everyone that has an accident is after attention, it just means that our brains are always looking for ways for us to gain pleasure and avoid pain.
Even if the vehicles for doing so seem nonsensical or extreme.
Now this isn't just some psychobabble or New Age woo woo - British gentleman and philosopher, Jeremy Bentham, put it this way back in 1823.
Nature has placed mankind under the governance of two sovereign masters, pain and pleasure.... They govern us in all we do, in all we say, in all we think...
Ultimately, there's a mental tug of war going on in every situation we experience.
Whether we're facing down a slab of cheesecake, waking up at 5am to hit the gym, or riding a packed commuter subway train in Tokyo.
And whatever action we take ultimately comes down to which we believe will lead to either greater pleasure or less pain.
So, perhaps you endure the pain of commuting because it's less painful than not showing up and getting fired, or the hassle of finding a job closer to home.
Or maybe you endure the commute because your job is so fulfilling that it makes it worthwhile.
We're all wired differently but it always comes down to moving away from pain and toward pleasure.
That's how it works, even if we perceive that we're self-sabotaging.
We Get What We Must Have
So, in any situation we've got pain and pleasure, and whichever is the stronger at that moment will determine the action we take.
Sure, you really want to lose weight but when you're surrounded by all your buddies and the beer is flowing, the pleasure of pounding beer and wolfing down pizza is more real - so that's what you do.
Yes, you want to lose weight, but you just don't want it enough at that moment.
Similarly, if you'd like the pleasure of fitting into your 34" waist jeans but you must have the pleasure of eating a tub of Ben & Jerry's, the Chunky Monkey will win out every single time.
So, unless we've attached a massive amount of pleasure to achieving something or a massive amount of pain to not achieving it, we're inviting failure.
Why? Because at the first sign of a challenge (a box of fresh donuts, a few beers with the guys), we'll throw in the towel.
In that instant, the immediate shot of pleasure is so intense that it simply overwhelms any half-hearted goal we might have.
I'd sure like to get in shape...
It would be nice to drop a few pounds...
I should start working out sometime...
It's like putting Woody Allen toe-to-toe with George Foreman.
So, what's the answer?
First off, we need to be honest with ourselves and take responsibility for our actions.
After all, every action has a consequence and those consequences are cumulative.
Listen, we don't get overweight and out of shape because we made a poor decision just one time a while back.
No, it's all those little poor decisions we make on a consistent and ongoing basis.
"Just one more piece of cake..."
"It's only a cookie/ice-cream/chocolate bar..."
"I'll work out tomorrow (or maybe the day after)..."
Likewise, we don't lose a huge amount of bodyweight by eating one healthy meal or working out one time.
That comes from all the good decisions we make on a consistent and ongoing basis.
Ultimately, we need to link incredible pleasure to those good decisions and unbearable pain to those bad decisions.
That alone will skyrocket our progress and help to transform our lives beyond recognition.
Make Pleasure & Pain Work For You
OK, we know that we're all wired the same way - to avoid pain and seek pleasure.
So, instead of them using you, it's time to start using them.
How? By making your desired outcome (getting in shape, running a marathon) so pleasurable that you're drawn effortlessly towards it.
Put it this way, if getting in shape is more pleasurable to you than drinking beer and eating pizza, do you think you'll be tempted to overindulge next time someone makes an order to Domino's?
No way!
And to supercharge your mindset, make the idea of not getting in shape or failing to complete the marathon so painful that you'll do anything to avoid that, too.
The bottom line is we need to communicate directly with our brains using the language they understand best - pain and pleasure.
Do that regularly with enough emotional intensity and things that used to seem impossibly difficult will just fall into place.
Even better, you'll be so clear about what you want (and why you want it) that self-sabotage won't enter the frame.
Then we can start grabbing back control and make some serious progress.
– Tim
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