Shenanigans! The Biggest Scam in Health & Fitness…

True story:

Over the past 30 years, I’ve wasted thousands of dollars on supplements, programs and who knows what else.

I was a regular patsy.

Dangle the carrot of easy and spectacular results, and you had my undivided attention.

Hit me with an eye-popping before/after transformation shot, and I’d be reaching for my wallet.

Come to think of it, I’m still waiting to receive my copy of “Flatt Bottum Training” (get massive, strong and ripped without dieting or exercise!)…

…that I ordered back in September 1991.

And with the Interwebz, things haven’t exactly changed for the better.

So, to commemorate 25 years of waiting patiently for “Flatt Bottum Training” to arrive, I did a little experiment.

Using a top-secret blend of soy sauce, wasabi and Hokkaido spring water, I created something called Samurai Cobra Anabolic Mutator (SCAM).

And it kicks more ass than Uma Thurman.

So, read ’em and weep, Flatt Bottum hucksters – how’s this for a transformation?

Now, I know what you’re thinking:

“I want SCAM right now! Dude, take my money, PLEASE!”

But here’s the best part…

This transformation didn’t take 12 weeks.

Hell, it didn’t even take 30 days!

How come?

Because these photographs were taken only around 30 minutes apart.

And right here’s how I did it…

OK, the key to an awesomely bad “before” photo is to make yourself feel just terrible.

For me, imagining what it would be like to sit through all 19 DVDs of Sex And The City: The Complete Series worked like a charm.

Before shot

(Sorry S.A.T.C. fans, but I’d rather be punched in the junk by Ronda Rousey than put myself through that)

Then what?

We started building up the transformation step-by-step using a few really simple tricks…

First off, standing up straight and thinking happy thoughts is enough to give yourself an instant physical and mental boost.

(Here I’m imagining that the DVD player just exploded)

Before - better posture

Pretty effective but we’re only just getting started.

Now, here’s a question:

What do all Hollywood action stars do right until the moment the cameras start rolling?

Answer:

They exercise and “pump up” so they look in way better shape than they really are!

(That’s how they can get away with those claims of unbelievable muscle gain)

So, for me it was a chin-up, push-up and curl-fest for a solid 10-15 minutes…

Pumping up

With a bit of temporary swole-ness from that little pump-a-thon, I looked like this…

Posture and pumpThen came the really embarrassing part…

Now, bodybuilders have oiled up before contests since, well, forever because it makes them look bigger and badder on stage.

So, I did the obvious thing and basted myself with a thick coating of olive oil.

Extra virgin and cold pressed.

Just because.

Basting with olive oil

(And yes, that’s the sauce brush we use in the kitchen – just don’t tell my wife, OK?)

Now all I needed was a preheated oven to throw myself into…

After shot

At least I now know what I’d look like if I entered a Turkish oil wrestling competition.

So, here’s the incredible 30-minute transformation once again:

To be honest, I’m pretty stunned by the difference.

Even though we didn’t have a studio with any fancy lighting and there’s no Photoshopping or anything like that.

Of course, that doesn’t mean all before/after shots are bogus (the ones in How I Lost 61lbs in 27 weeks  are 100% genuine).

It just shows what a dude with a camera, a few dumbells, and some olive oil can achieve.

(Nope, that didn’t sound weird…)

And let’s keep in mind that it’s orders of magnitude below anything the pros can do.

So, there it is – the biggest scam in the health & fitness industry.

Just like Sgt Esterhaus used to say in Hill Street Blues:

Let’s be careful out there.

– Tim

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